[blockquote name=””]And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but by this time the boat, battered by the waves, was far from the land, for the wind was against them. And early in the morning he came walking toward them on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them and said, “Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid.”
Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”[/blockquote]
These words from the fourteenth chapter of Matthew’s Gospel have been my cross and my inspiration during my years in seminary. During my four years of formation, I have encountered many “problems” that I really thought were beyond my fixing. In a way, they were. However, I was too proud to really recognize it, and therefore I kept trying to do everything myself. After years of this, I realized it was not working too well and I saw the need for a helping hand.
Just making the decision to enter the seminary was a trial. I was on the fence about this decision for a while. I felt that God might have been calling me, but I was not 100% sure. Whenever I do anything, I like to be fully prepared and ready for any sort of challenge. However, the seminary was a great mystery for me. I had visited seminaries before, but only for a day or a weekend. I had talked to priests, but only after mass or maybe a dinner. What would it be like to live at a seminary? Would it be tough to live at a house full of priests? Would I be able to live a chaste life? These questions ran through my head constantly as I was discerning.
While discerning, I was blessed to have a spiritual director who really helped me see that I was not alone in this decision. First, God was always there, just like we see in this Gospel passage from Matthew. He is always there to lend us that hand and to save us from the thoughts or fears that are drowning us. The one characteristic I assumed I had before I entered formation in the seminary was a strong faith in Jesus. Why else would I enter the seminary? I soon found out that I was wrong in this assumption. My faith was there, but it needed to be strengthened.
Many people often think that when they enter the seminary, they are ready to be ordained that very moment. THIS IS NOT TRUE! To be ready for the priesthood takes a good amount of time, and everyone’s journey is different. Faith is something we work on everyday; and it is faith that helps a seminarian make it through each day.
Before I entered the seminary, I had a list of fears as long as this page. Things like public speaking, hospitals, uncomfortable situations, etc. These are things you would think a person who was discerning the priesthood would be comfortable with already. Not for me, and not for many of the guys that enter formation. Through my time in the seminary, I have worked on all of these fears. Not because I wanted to, but because the seminary and our great diocese challenged me to do this.
You can imagine, the first times “I tried” these things they did not go too well. I ended drowning, not in water, but in doubt and embarrassment. Here I was, trying to do everything myself. I wanted all the credit and all the glory. I didn’t get any credit or any glory for the times I tried to do it myself. If anything, I failed. These “failures” came into my mind, and I began to think I wasn’t cut out for the priesthood. However, God would not let me quit.
The seminary offers us many tools to help us in our discernment, such as counselors and spiritual directors. Through my work with these two critical aspects of my formation, I was able to see that I wasn’t alone when I was standing in front of people or ministering to people at the hospital. God was there, but I had to trust He could guide me or throw me the life preserver when I began to drown. He has to be a part of our lives, or we cannot grow in His love or His grace.
While I continue to discern, I continue to grow in faith and in God’s grace. I have grown so much during my time in formation and I am thankful for each day I have spent in it. Just like everyone, I do have my days where I think I am alone, and I try to do things myself. These things never work out as well as when I am asking God for His help and His grace.
In conclusion, I try to do my best, and Jesus takes care of the rest. He knows my struggles and my weaknesses, and I have that trust He will not let me drown. He is there in front of us with His hand out, all we have to do is reach out and let Him guide us.
We must not let fears or weakness keep us from trying to do what we think God is calling us to do. We will never be 100% sure of our vocation, until we try it. Even then, most of us are never that fully sure. There is a daily trial of this walking on water, where we have to trust we made the right decision. If God is calling us, He will give us the strength and grace we need to complete the tasks we think are impossible. And if God is calling us to another vocation, He will not abandon us; instead He will help steer us onto the right path, allowing us to grow in every step of our way.
Father Adam Cichoski
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